Pat McAfee album review: A ‘train of diarrhea and disappointment’

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you let a bit go too far.

Picture this: I’m enjoying my Friday morning, basking in Drew Allar having the debut of a lifetime in the Steelers’ preseason opener against the Packers. While scrolling Twitter with Heed The Call on my TV (shoutout to the boys Dan Hanzus, Marc Sessler, Connor Orr, and Justin Graver), I see Dan Orlovsky posting lyrics to a song like he’s a high school defensive back who only plays on JV, but is willing to die for the game he loves. I did wonder why he mentioned Pat McAfee at the end, until I realized these were lyrics from an actual, factual Pat McAfee song.

As a side note, I cannot wait to see Orlovsky’s Spotify Wrapped for 2026, that may be a whole other feature in and of itself.

As a goof, I texted my terrific editor, Ricky, and said, “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I reviewed the Pat McAfee album?” Ricky, apparently, thought it would be very funny because here I am actually doing it and putting those four years of journalism school to good use – I love you, Slippery Rock University, and I hope I’m making you proud.

Now, a bit of a disclaimer here: Do I hate Pat McAfee? No. I don’t know Pat McAfee. Do I think ESPN championing his show as the pillar of modern sports TV is killing a once-beloved and sacred industry? Yes. Do I also contemplate slamming my head in a microwave whenever I’m watching a sporting event and he’s there with some combination of Bert Kreischer, Jason Kelce, or Jey Uso for some reason? Also yes. But McAfee himself doesn’t seem like a bad guy. Hell, he gives away a ton of his own money each week to college kids on College Gameday, his Big Night Aht event raised over $3 million in prizes for fans and for respective charities, and he is a genuine success story of someone betting on himself, and you know what? Good for him. His schtick isn’t my cup of tea, but hey, compiling thousands of dollars worth of Batman, Halloween, and Terrifier toys and collectibles probably isn’t your cup of tea (but if it is, please reach out, we have MUCH to talk about).

Now, all of that out of the way, this 14-song, 42-minute album provided as much joy to my eardrums as the sound of a screaming baby – stop bringing your loud children into public. It’s very clear McAfee went for a sound akin to Jelly Roll, which is fitting because some may call McAfee the Jelly Roll of sports media. I assume if you listened to this unironically, you’re at a scrap yard right now.

The first song on the record, Pitbull & A Mugshot – I mean, it’s a Jelly Roll song. Listen to the flow, the sound of his voice – it’s the exact same. With such lines as “Wake up in the morning, smoke and coffee no cream, scrolling feeds, see some tweets on some crazy ass scenes” or “Got some kin who are shooters and some full court movers,” which, by the way – hilarious to picture McAfee painting anyone in his stooge crew as a “shooter” as if he is committing a drive by with A.J. Hawk.

So that’s the gist of the first song and goodness me, there is still 13 more of these that all probably sound like scribblings of a ninth grade white kid who was way too into the Vanilla Ice song from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Actually, Ninja Rap rules. Pat McAfee trying to do it, though? Hard pass.

Song No. 2 is Blue Collar Symphony, which sounds like it sampled White Horse by Chris Stapleton. From what I can tell through McAfee’s exaggerating singing accent, it’s about his upbringing in Pittsburgh – that’s where he’s from. You may not know that because he rarely mentions it.

Up next is Good Times, which actually has a good country riff featuring a guitar and fiddle that I liked. It also sounded familiar, almost like the beginning of These Are My People by Rodney Atkins – it has a very late 2000s sound to it, musically speaking. And oh my God, I promise this is a hilarious accident. I wrote the line about a guitar and a fiddle before I actually got to the part where McAfee begins singing. The first words out of his mouth are “I want a guitar and a fiddle, too.” This is the best sounding song so far. Lyrically I’m not blown away, but that was to be expected.

The fourth song is Young Me. It’s a slower paced song that features a choir harmonizing, which actually sounds nice. It’s a song about talking to his younger self saying everything is going to work out, despite struggles in that portion of his life. Through the first four songs, it’s the best one when lyrics and music are combined in judging.

Song No. 5 is Polarizing Figure, where McAfee mentions more than once that people want him dead(?) and that everything he does, people find a problem with it. Now, of course, if anyone is wishing death upon him, that’s incredibly absurd – no one should receive death threats, much less a sports commentator. What could he even do that would make someone wish death upon him? I’m not doubting his claims, I’m genuinely asking.

Up next is Outlaws. It begins with more choir-harmonizing. Sounds very akin to a cowboy on his final morning before being hanged by lawmen. Another 2000s country-sounding riff comes in behind it. It sounds pretty similar to Blue Collar Symphony. I don’t really know the point he’s trying to get across, but the chorus ends with, “We do this sh*t so hard they be screaming, ‘oh Lord.’” Breathtaking.

Oops is largely the same thing. Talking about “stirring another pot” and living in a “cold world.” Hated it. These reviews are getting shorter because I feel myself getting dumber.

Next is Smokin, and I had to go back to Pitbull & a Mugshot because the music sounds bar for bar the exact same. Sounds like he’s saying he smokes to get away from all the hate that he gets. How original.

I’m only halfway through this God forsaken thing, good Lord.

Okay, next up is No One Ever Knows. The beginning tune of it was very Florida Georgia Line-esc, so I actually liked that. This one is about being grateful for life and enjoying each day because you never know when your time to go comes. And my goodness, we’ve done it – we found a song on the record that I like. And when I say I like it, it’s not Should’ve Been a Cowboy by Toby Keith (the greatest song ever), but it’s one with a nice message that isn’t self-serving and musically, it’s solid. It took eight goes, but No One Ever Knows is perfectly fine.

Fear not, that positivity has quickly been crushed because of the next song, Rich As Shit. “I wanna be rich as shit before I die,” is the first line of the song and I was immediately out. No more to say here.

Big Rain Coming gets back to the Jelly Roll sound (derogatory) with the mixture of almost rap and slow country. Fun fact – it’s also the title of a children’s book written by Katrina Germein. I’m not sure if McAfee took inspiration from the book. I really want this to be done. We still have four more songs.

Song No. 12, You’re Alive, takes a slight left turn with its sound. The opening riff sounds like a Skillet song. Remember Skillet? Some of you will. Like No One Ever Knows, this one is actually palatable. Pretty basic and straight forward message about being alive compared to actually living. I still can’t get past the accent McAfee is trying to use while singing, but this is maybe the best-sounding tune so far.

Fear not, because Click Clack got this train of diarrhea and disappointment right back on track. It’s a more rap-heavy song that will have you contemplating all of your life decisions wondering how you got to the point of listening to it.

The final song, Cheers To The South, I will predict now is going to be used by ESPN as the official SEC on ESPN theme song. I’d put it as the No. 3 song and under the palatable category.

And with that *AUDIBLE GROAN* we’ve reached the end.

The good: It wasn’t completely a rap album. I don’t like rap music, and this project would have ended with me walking into oncoming traffic should he have gone that route. I like country music, so the actual music part of it was mostly bearable.

The bad: Just about everything else. Pat doesn’t have a great voice, and the exaggerated accent is very cringey. Lyrically, this was a repetitive vanity project. And I’m not even trying to knock Pat for liking attention – everyone likes attention. We all have hubris. That’s perfectly okay to admit. But it also wouldn’t have made the album sound any better.

That said, it’s still better than any Beatles song I’ve ever heard, and I’m 100 percent not joking when I say that. The Beatles suck. And that’s the note we’re ending this on.