"Sire, it is said that the Manchester United players are revolting."
"You said it, they stink on ice."
And they're not much better on turf either.
The rabble inside the Old Trafford dressing room has been roused. Their rebellion will rage on until it ends the same way every other one does. The great ruler will dismiss himself of some unwise counsellor or another. Though it has been suggested he is safe for the time being, it is hard to see a future that does not end with sheriff Michael Carrick being run out of town. Chancellor Jason Wilcox will find himself in a hairy situation. The banishments will come with promises that the realm's most loyal subjects will never be so mistreated again. Their cries have been heard.
And then the cycle will begin again.
After all, the only shared trait of the eight men to have taken on a meaningful run of Manchester United games since Sir Alex Ferguson's retirement is that the players have turned on them. Bruno Fernandes' open disgruntlement of Michael Carrick is not even that unique, bringing to mind Cristiano Ronaldo's withering, petulant dismissal of Erik ten Hag two years ago.
The club that employed football management's last great authoritarian have spent more than a decade dripping the same message to the first team. The guy who picks the team, he is accountable to you. You will outlast him. He will bear the consequences of your actions. That is not to argue that Michael Carrick is remotely blameless for United's faltering start to the season, let alone the game plan at Como.
Fernandes was not wrong in his assessment that allowing Nico Paz, Martin Baturina and Jacobo Ramon the space and time to pick a pass was probably going to imbue a very capable opponent with confidence. He was of course wrong to air those concerns in front of television cameras. Far further beyond the pale, however, was what appeared to be Fernandes' refusal to play along to the plan that Carrick had assigned to his side.
With less than 26 minutes played, Fernandes failed to control a pass from Mason Mount as Ramon closed in, the sort of error that was at least partially on the receiver. Como now had possession on the edge of the attacking third. In response, the United captain threw his hands up in frustration. The camera drifted away from him for a moment, following the ball in a way that Fernandes wasn't.
When he returned to the shot, with Mount tangling with Baturina as he and Paz attempted to break into the area, Fernandes was still walking. Como's possession went backwards and yet United's most advanced player was looking the other way. Maximo Perrone is scanning the pitch as he receives possession, a little check over the shoulder presumably showing to the Argentine that the No. 8 in white was no threat. A second later, Fernandes is picking at his boots.
A third of the game was gone, and yes, United probably were playing to the wrong game plan. Then again, teams set themselves up in the wrong way all across the world every week and find a way to win football matches. Most of those do not have players of the quality of Fernandes, Bryan Mbeumo and Matheus Cunha. The collective tends to trump the individual in this sport but Fernandes is one of the best individuals. If he sets his mind to it, he can at least give his opponents an almighty challenge no matter if the circumstances are aligned against him.
"Whatever system you play, whatever tactics you play, if you don't run and you don't run forward and you don't run back, you aren't going to win," said Carrick afterwards, in what in that moment seemed to be his final press conference.
For the time being, he remains, due to face the media again ahead of Sunday's visit of Bournemouth to Old Trafford. Should United choose to make a managerial change, CBS Sports sources indicate that Antonio Conte would be open to talks over the vacancy.
Would anything really change with a new man in the dugout? Perhaps in the short term. There are quick tactical fixes that a Carrick successor could make, among them sorting out a shot diet that indulges the likes of Fernandes swinging from bad positions outside the penalty area.
Really though, bigger change is required than that which can be engendered by any head coach. If a leader as mild-mannered and measured as Carrick is unable to keep his players from venting their spleen on a weekly basis, then the dressing room is unsalvageable. That Fernandes had a point last week does not really matter.
Nor does it that there was barely a word misspoken by Lisandro Martinez last week when he called out director of football Jason Wilcox and those who employ him. Far be it for this column to argue against players speaking their mind to the media but a confident organisation should feel able to hold its employees to account. It has been suggested that United will activate the option in Martinez's contract to preserve his value. What message does that send to the next player who might have something to say about Carrick, Sir Jim Ratcliffe, the Old Trafford support or whatever else they take issue with? Publicly airing your issues with your employers comes with no financial consequences. In fact, in Martinez's case, you're straight back in the XI on the weekend.
This is Augean stables stuff. A cleansing is required. But of course the problem in Elis was never the cattle, per se. It was the ruler who had gone 30 years without getting the cleaners in. So long as the Glazers and Ratcliffe continue in their current fashion, there will be Fernandeses, Martinezes and Ronaldos trying and failing to clean house.
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